New Fake Movie Trailer - Bloodmarch

When asked about Blood March during a 2002 interview, then governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said “Blood March...sounds like a digestive problem.” That sums up the attitude most people involved with this 1985 production seem to have. Made on a shoestring budget with John Saxon as the heroic - if randomly destructive - Colonel Blood, Schwarzenegger as the explosion-loving "El Presidente" and Dyanne Thorne playing an ex-Nazi scientist (looking surprisingly good for a woman who, since the film was set in 1985, would have to be well over 60) by San Pedro Productions (they would later turn to making cat food commercials), Blood March is a barely known entry into the mid-eighties action film boom.

Filled with explosions, gunfire, topless Neo-Nazi scientists and an exploding porpoise, Blood March has the ingredients for a satisfying, if lowbrow, action film. What it doesn't have is competence behind the camera or interest from the cast. The normally reliable Schwarzenegger and Saxon don't just phone it in; they send it by Western Union. The story is incomprehensible - something about John Saxon fighting communist rebels in a fictional Latin American country, where the government employs Asian mercenaries and former Nazis to create super-human drug smugglers. After the first five minutes, it's clear that the writers (all six of them; too many cooks pissing in the soup), director, actors, gaffers...everyone...just gave up on telling a story and opted for as many explosions and boobs as their budget could afford.

Director Pasqual Featherstone, best known for his series of commercials for “Fussy Kat Cat Food, Fussy Food For Fussy Cats” is one of the few people to even acknowledge working on the movie. During a 1996 interview with the author, he provided a few interesting details. Excerpts follow:

“Dyanne Thorne was the best thing about the movie. Did you see her tits? Well, everyone else did too...repeatedly. And not because she was trying to show 'em, you know. Apparently, our wardrobe person was French and wanted to read everything in metrics or something. So all the costumes for Dyanne were too small. Every time she moved, buttons were popping. Anyway, she was a good sport about it...although that wardrobe guy walks with a limp now...don't know if that’s connected.”

“Shooting was pretty smooth. The worst part was the Marine Corps incident...Yeah, that’s right, US Marines. Apparently, the place where we shot the big finale was near some Marine Corps base. Our production manager forgot to inform the military that we were going to be blowing stuff up. When our pyro guys blew up a couple of dummy buildings, a Marine chopper was flying overhead...I got it on film, thought it would look cool, right? Well, twenty minutes later, jeeps are pulling up with guys armed to the teeth. I guess they thought we were Sandinistas or something. We straightened it out. Arnie signed autographs, John explained who he was, Dyanne’s top popped open...everyone was a team player that day.”

“Anyway, it was a fun movie. I don’t care if everyone has “forgotten” they were in it. Hey, the checks cleared...to me that means it was a success.”

When it was released, it was generally panned. Most reviews of the time turned into complaints about the reviewer’s employer forcing them to see this movie. While there is a fringe of aficionados of 80s action movies who see it as something of a lost classic, it is safe to say that few of them have seen it. Some things are best left lost.