Back From Vacation

I've returned to the frozen wasteland of the Mid-Atlantic form the sunnier climes of Las Vegas. While home is where the heart is (I keep it in a jar next to my bed) Vegas runs a close second. While there, I engaged in the expected drunken debauchery. In fact, before you are allowed to leave the city, you have to demonstrate a .015 blood alcohol level (no problem), business cards from at least three strip clubs (check) and citations for public disorderly conduct (one will do; I collected eight).

I found myself at a casino one morning at 7 in the AM and took down some notes, which I'll share with you. Because sharing is caring. Enjoy and tune back in for some movie related fun.

Early morning in a casino coffee shop. A few dregs from last night still washing up on the shore, trapped and smashed by the grating music of the slot sirens. The air is thick with first and last cigarettes, the occasional scent-bite of stale beer, fresh coffee and buffet eggs and bacon. Soft rock blares, keeping thoughts at a minimum.

But, who wants to think at 7 in the morning in a second tier casino in Vegas? Not the players. They have shark eyes focused on the big win, the jackpot, the thing that gets them out bed and into these palaces of cheap dreams. Not the staff, coming off all-night drunk-and-hooker shifts. They’re deaf and blind with fatigue and boredom. Too many flashing lights and sloppy passes by toilet brush salesmen from Topeka.

A push cart heavily laden with cases of beer and limes. Reinforcements for the bars, fodder for the “first thing in the morning” drinkers. The lime is for citrus, to fight off scurvy, of course. You can’t have a successful career as a loss addict, if you have bad teeth and bleeding gums.

And they are all loss addicts. No one who is a serious gambler wants to win. Every incremental victory is fed back into the machine. The talk of the big wins is less passionate than the lamentations of the losses; that's where the action is. We all know that dreams never come true. A place like this just confirms that. It makes crystal what we’ve already decided is the center-point of reality...we all lose in the end.

That bright, beautiful past, glowing like neon nights in our rear-view mirror. It all comes to an end, baby. You can try to push it back, try to maintain, but it always falls apart.

We are meant to be transients, a brief flash of light, then darkness. Our curse is that we know this. The lion doesn’t wake up knowing he’s one day closer to death. The gazelle ruts and eats, one eye open for the lion. But that’s not us. We keep both eyes open on the immutable past and the declining future.

A trio of elderly women waddle past, fat with the American dream or some hydrogenated version of it. Is this what nursing homes of the future will be like? Run by Caesar's Entertainment Corporation with nurses in micro-minis, flashing lights to bring on grand mal seizures to be swiftly medicated by attendants in tuxedo tee-shirts? Hooked into intravenous fluid drips, chained to a slot machine, blast of music, tinkle of coins, stirring memories of hot sweaty nights of youth?

There is a blue sky painted on the ceiling. Was it done out of a sense of irony? If so, that would restore my faith in humanity. Some smart assed prankster, grasping the lunacy of the task at hand, decides to mock the people who he is building a temple of loss to. Here’s the sky, the only one you want to see, blue and white paint on concrete and stucco.

An apt metaphor for the world we’re immersed in. Television and video games letting us live other lives. Relationships that are born, live and die as electrons over wires. Wrapping ourselves in layers of distance. Don’t talk about religion and politics. Don’t share your feelings. Don’t show weakness or doubt. Wrap yourself into a little ball and build an ego-world, where you are star, cast and critic of your own made-for-tv movie.

The fake sky, the flashing lights, the all you can feed trough, 80s pop, ringing buzzers from random slot machines. What’s it all for? No, who’s it all for? The loss addicts don’t know, don’t care. They only have eyes and ears for the Big Bust Out. For the employees, this must be like a low-rent Hell, Dante’s Casino, with the Brimstone Suite, now 666 a night. It’s environmental nostalgia; a time when the music, the lights, the barely there waitress outfit were something unique.

Vast seas of information have inundated us, turned the unique into the ordinary and left us swimming for islands of the past, hoping we’ll feel something new when we get there. But, it’s a lie. There is nothing new. We find the limitations of the human mind in places like this. Where we vomit out the same cave paintings and earth-mother tits and shiny beads that we’ve fondled and fought for since we dropped out of the trees.

What doesn’t change is the universal nature of the modern American coffee shop. It squats on every corner, selling liquid vibrations. We are sucked into its milky black hole, willingly giving ourselves over to muscle spasm, brain jitters and frequent bathroom trips. But, why not? America has always been a jacked up society. We sucked down cocaine in soft drinks and fueled our wars on uppers. With 20-foot tail-fins and nuclear bombs, we showed the world that the only way to go is big. Give the world a big middle finger as you rampage into the future. It’s worked for us so far; why not just keep it up? Of course, like all rushes, eventually you come down.

And that's what this place is...the junkyard of the future. I think I need another drink.

One Paragraph Review - Her (2013)

Set in the near future, Her follows the relationship between Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix) and Samantha (Scarlett Johansson). The twist - Samantha is an artificial intelligence, existing on Ted's home computer as is operating system (the AIs are referred to as OSes in the film). Ted quickly falls in love with the funny, insightful Samantha, a feeling reciprocated by the OS. Problems arise, as they do in any relationship; however, as the film reaches its conclusion, something unforeseen happens that effects Ted, Samantha and all of the AIs...and which I won't reveal. Her is a great movie. It is not perfect; there are some plot points that are not fully developed. However, the story (by Spike Jonze, who also directed) is gripping, addressing a number of themes in a sophisticated fashion. Not only does the movie look at the obvious, the relationship between man and technology. It also addresses issues of how people connect to one another, how we idealize the past, how social media and ubiquitous communication technology creates new modes of community formation and is also a great love story. As a character driven story, Her relies on its cast as much as its writing. Everyone from Phoenix and Johansson on do great jobs. Johansson in particular conveys the complexity of her character using only her voice (the OS is never more than a voice in Ted's ear). An amazing film and one everyone should see and think about.

A movie with Scarlett that does not have her dressed like this? I don't know about that...

One Paragraph Review - Captain Phillips (2013) - AHOY! SPOILERS

Captain Phillips is the true story of a sea captain who decides to market a line of children's cereal. What...oh, sorry, that's Cap'n Crunch. Captain Phillips is about a Somali pirate attack on an American cargo ship that results in Tom Hanks sitting in a chair looking at the camera with a pained expression for long periods of time, until a SEAL team kills three of the four pirates )the other winds up in US custody). The end. The film is actually pretty good. Hanks does a nice job with the only fully developed character in the movie. And that is the main problem with the film. Since the characters are underdeveloped, the film is needlessly long. The first half details the attempted hijacking and ends with Hanks being taken prisoner by the Somalis in a life boat, flows by quickly and efficiently. The second half has long stretches of Hanks in the life boat talking with his captors. The problem; the pirates are one dimensional characters. This may be explained as being Phillips' recollection of how he interacted with his captors. However, it makes for a tedious and repetitious second half, one that lasts about an hour-and-a-fifteen but seems much longer. While it would be wrong to say the film is ever boring, it either needed to have at least 15 minutes of the second half cut or it needed to take some dramatic license and give the pirates enough depth to justify the amount of screen-time they have. There is nothing wrong with long movies, as long as the story they are telling needs that time. This film does not earn its length. Is it worth watching? Yes, it is; however, its flaws become evident as the story drags on to its inevitable conclusion.

One Paragraph Review - Devil's Pass (2013) (SPOILERS Ahead)

Sweet!!!! Renny Harlin, the auteur responsible for Cutthroat Island - sorry..."the masterpiece of the cinematic form Cutthroat Island" - decided to give us just what we all have been clamoring for; another found footage horror movie. Yay! A group of bland documentarians (except for Gemma Atkinson, pictured below, who is no way bland) head to Russia to look into the Daytalov Pass Incident (an actual event in 1959 in which 9 people on a sky trip died under odd circumstances; you can read all about it at wikipedia the font of all knowledge in the universe). Stuff happens, people die, we find out that the Soviets had some kind of underground base in the area where they were working on teleportation and time travel, the Philadelphia Experiment is name checked, and we get one of the most telegraphed "twist" endings I've seen in a long time. Like most found footage movies, it has plausibility problems (why would a cameraman keep filming when horrifying monsters and hostile gunmen are following him?) and the bonus issue of how some of the footage is found. Given the story, there is no way anyone would see all of the footage we are shown...a real problem when that is your central conceit. The monster CGI is poorly done and the creatures are cliched in design, tall gaunt pale skinned creatures with big mouths (see I Am Legend, Rec, The Descent, etc.). The cinematography is the usual found footage mix of dull static shots, shaky cam and shots that no one actually using a handheld camera would get, given the circumstances. It's not brain cancer inducing; it's just dull and unoriginal in execution. Which is unfortunate, since the idea for the story (what really happened to the first expedition...something that isn't actually answered in the film) and, in the hands of a better director, could have made a good movie. Oh, and please, no more found footage movies. That is one cinematic style that needs to be retired.

Gemma Atkinson at no point wears this outfit in the movie. That might have made it worth watching.

One Paragraph Review - Yellowbrickroad (2010)

In 1940, the entire population of a small town in New Hampshire heads into the woods. 300 are found dead. Only one survivor is recovered; the rest of the people are missing. 70 years later, a small group of documentarians heads down the trail - the Yellow Brick Road - to reach its end and solve the mystery of where the people of the town were heading. Well-shot and fairly well-acted (although, as with most low-budget films, the performances are uneven), Yellowbrickroad is a nice mix of supernatural and psychological horror with overtones of H.P. Lovecraft. It is hampered by a conclusion that seems more like a random "twist ending" than a satisfying finale...and which features ludicrously bad CGI. After seeing the movie twice, I can say that some (although not all) of the things that seemed to be plotholes the first time around make more sense. But, the ending...it looks like the filmmakers knew they had set up the viewers for a stunning conclusion, but ran out of money and said "eh, whatever, let's just do some Jacob's Ladder rip-off." Still, the film does get points for having some genuinely disturbing moments and for being different. In an era of remakes, sequels, reboots and rip-offs, Yellowbrickroad is an attempt at telling an original story with the caveat that the filmmakers seem to be fans of Lovecraft and his brand of sanity-shattering weirdness. Check it out.

Unnecessary Movies - The Fog (2005) and Texas Chainsaw (2013)

I just got back from a week in the Outer Banks (that's in North Carolina, for those of you who are geographically challenged), hence the lack of updates. I did have a chance to check out some movies in between my beach house frolics. Two of the films - courtesy of Netflix - were The Fog (2005) and Texas Chainsaw (2013). Both were unpleasant experiences; thankfully, there was a lot of alcohol available to deaden the pain.

Spoilers ahead.

Let's start with The Fog. This is a remake of John Carpenter's underrated spectral aquatic leper film of the same name from 1980. I have a soft spot in my heart (or head, some might say) for the original, so I came to the remake with some baggage. What I found not only failed to meet the standards of the original; it failed on all levels of cinematic story-telling. There is literally nothing that worked in The Fog. The effects are laughable, although there should be some kind of award for an effects team that fails to make CGI fog look better than the smoke machines used 30 years ago. The acting is terrible, with everyone apparently as bored with the whole mess as the audience. The story makes no sense. The "rules" for how the ghosts function change as the movie progresses. I assume this was in a misguided attempt to create "memorable" kills. My favorite: the ghosts set up a table on a beach - complete with an ornate dining 19th century dining set - in order to somehow entice a local beach comber to...wrap a rope around his neck...so he can be dragged into the ocean by the ghosts. Really? And the ending is poorly conceived and executed. The heroine - who is, of course, the reincarnation of the wife one of the ghosts - is kissed by her dead husband and becomes a ghost. Huh? How does that work? She doesn't appear to die, she just becomes transparent. The movie is full of moments like this.

Ultimately, I can't fault the actors; the writer, producers and director are the one's responsible for this pathetic attempt to cash in on a far better original. If you want to see a creepy movie about ghosts lurking in a fog bank, check out the original movie. Stay far away from the remake.

Texas Chainsaw is a little better. It is a direct sequel to the 1974 original. The film begins with a quick recap of the events of that film, followed by the massacre of most of Leatherface's family (which gains about half-a-dozen extra members, who looks like roadies for ZZ Top) by a group of rednecks. Leatherface survives, as well as an infant girl. She grows up to be the beautiful Alexandra Daddario who is friends with the stunning Tania Raymonde (both pictured below; you're welcome). There are also some guys around (boyfriend, cannon fodder, etc) but who cares? Anyway, the attractive young people head to Texas when Alexandra's character finds out she has inherited an estate from a grandmother she didn't know she had. In the basement, Leatherface is still alive, having been cared for by grandma. It should be no surprise that Leatherface takes his chainsaw to Alexandra's friends and some of the locals who were responsible for killing his family. Unfortunately, the ending hurts an otherwise okay, if very "by-the-numbers" slasher flick. Alexandra finds out about what happened to her family...and decides she's going to help her cousin, Leatherface. The same Leatherface who is directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of her friends. And the local sheriff is fine with Leatherface killing a bunch of people. I guess we're supposed to believe that Alexandra is...I don't know...insane at this point? Or think that the "bonds" of family trump the murder of people who are supposed to be her close friends? I guess the sheriff sees the deaths of some of the men who were responsible for the massacre decades ago as a form of justice. But that doesn't explain why he's okay with the deaths of other, innocent people. Maybe he's insane as well? Maybe it's something in the water in Texas?

Up until the ending, Texas Chainsaw was neither good nor bad; it was an innocuous pile of cliches and genre tropes wrapped up in a competently shot and acted package. With this ending, it becomes insultingly dumb. Don't reward this terrible storytelling with your eyeballs. Watch the original to see what low-budget, take-no-prisoners filmmaker is all about.

Alexandra Daddario

Tania Raymonde...almost enough of a reason to watch this movie.

Christmas Moviefest 2013

Every year, I have a Christmas moviefest. It's a 24-hour extravaganza of films, music videos, trailers, and other random stuff. Usually, I do a dozen films (12 days of Christmas, etc...) but due to other commitments, I only did eight. So, I'll have to make up for it next year. 16 movies...hello psychosis! Anyway, this year's line-up was:

1. Full Metal Jacket: Not my favorite Kubrick movie (that would be A Clockwork Orange) or my favorite Vietnam War movie (that would be Apocalypse Now) FMJ is still an awesome movie. From the intense first half of the film set in the Marine Corps bootcamp at Parris Island to the brutal fighting in Hue that wraps the movie up, Kubrick created an amazing look at how men are broken down and rebuilt as soldiers...and how they try to cope with the horrors of war.
2. Pitch Perfect: I thought I'd hate this movie about a college a cappella team, but this is a surprisingly funny movie. The musical numbers don't do much for me; I saw this because a friend of mine who loves Glee insisted...and Glee is one step below having fire ants inserted into my rectum. However, the cast does a nice job with stock characters and the writer (Kay Cannon) has a pretty good - and more than a little deranged - sense of humor.
3. Byzantium: Great vampire movie. You can see my review of it here.
4. Wild at Heart: David Lynch's version of The Wizard of Oz is a favorite of mine. Intense, over-the-top, operatic performances by Nicolas Cage and Laura Dern, random Lynchian weirdness...just wonderful. Not everything works - some of the odd images and character ticks don't seem to mean anything - but these are minor problems.
5. Snatch: Style over substance? Sure! And Snatch has lots of style. It also has a witty script, great acting, inventive camerawork, and a great soundtrack. IF you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor; stop reading this and go watch the movie.
6. Elysium: It looks great. Other than that...you know, I'm going to do a longer review in a little bit. The design work and the effects are very cool. The rest leaves a lot to be desired.
7. Zombieland: Bill Fucking Murray. And zombies. And Emma Stone, epic-hottie. And zombies. And Woodie Harrelson as the baddest-assed undead stomper since Ash. And zombies. A great, funny movie.
8. L.A. Confidential: The plot is a little confusing the first time around. However, the cast is stellar, the film has real sun-drenched, cotton-candy noir look (if that makes sense), that works to draw you in to Fifties LA. An amazing film that deserves every accolade it has gotten.

Interspersed with these were such delights as a 1960s Pathe film about the "new" Playboy Club in London, the Muppets version of Bohemian Rhapsody, a couple of burlesque videos from the Fifties and a really sweet video about the effects of LSD...which involve talking got dogs.

Movie Review - Byzantium (2012)

I saw Byzantium as part of my Christmas movie marathon. And no, the movie has nothing to do with Christmas; neither does my movie festival. I just have some time off, so I get to watch a lot of movies.

Anyway, Byzantium is a vampire movie, although it is more of character study than a horror film.

Synopsis (spoilers): Clara (Gemma Arterton) and Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan) are mother and daughter...and both are vampires. Clara was turned into a vampire in her twenties, Clara when she was 16. This happened over 200 years ago, when each went to a remote island and entered a stone building where they encountered a doppelganger...and emerged a blood drinking immortal. The two have spent the intervening year living below the radar. Clara uses her beauty in a variety of sex-trade professions while Eleanor mopes around. They have to "obey" some of the expected "rules" of vampires (need blood to survive, can't enter a home without permission) but not others (sunlight doesn't bother them). They are being pursued by a shadowy group of male vampires, the Brotherhood, for reason that are not exactly clear. In a seedy seaside resort town, Clara set up a brothel while Eleanor finds a sickly young man (Caleb Landry Jones) to tell her story to.

Gemma Arterton makes being undead look pretty darn hot.

Byzantium is mostly a good movie. The story is well told and interesting. Director Neil Jordan is more restrained than in his previous excursion into the world of the undead, 1994's Interview with the Vampire but this more subdued visual style fits the less melodramatic story. The acting is almost uniformly good. However, there are three things that detract from the film. First and foremost is the character of Frank, played by Caleb Landry Jones. Frank is simpering and annoying and Jones decides to express this by always seeming on the verge of tears. There is nothing appealing about him; certainly, nothing that would attract a 200-year-old vampire. The character needed to be more forceful and played by an actor with range, not one, whimpering, note. Second, Eleanor's character is oddly written. Although she is centuries old, she is played as if she is still 16. It may represent how Clara has tried to keep her sheltered; but it plays more like an attempt to appeal to a teenage girl crowd. This is not an acting issue; Ronan is very effective. This purely an issue of how a character is written. Finally, and less important, the overall motivations and purpose of the Brotherhood are not at all clear. Some mysteries in the film - like exactly how the vampire making building works - are fine; we know what it does and that's enough. But, the motivation of the Brotherhood is important, since they are the antagonists who keep Clara on the run. Why they banded together and what their ultimate purpose is would help to give more depth to the reason they have been pursuing Clara and Eleanor.

With those caveats, the movie is worth checking out. It is an interesting look at how a pair of immortals would try to survive while keeping their true nature secret.

Short Review - Lovelace (2013)

The best word to describe this biopic starring Amanda Seyfried as porn icon Linda Lovelace: disjointed. It is not a bad film. It is competently shot and well acted with Seyfried turning in a particularly good preform. However, the film does not deliver a coherent story. While individual scenes are interesting, even gripping (in particular the scene where Linda asks her mom (an almost unrecognizable Sharon Stone) for marital advice - and refuge from her abusive husband, Chuck Traynor (Peter Sarsgaard) - and is told to "obey" him, not realizing that Linda interprets this as "do porn for him"), they all feel like scenes not a flowing story. This is not helped by the decision to jump back and forth in the timeline. It is not always clear when a scene is taking place. While I was never lost, these transition are not well handled and, in general, do not add anything to the movie.

In the end, the story that is told doesn't amount to much - sheltered girl gets involved with abusive man who exploits her - even though all the parts needed to make a compelling movie are there. It's worth checking out for the performances and for those parts of the movie that do work and are engaging. However, don't expect to come away knowing much about the life of Linda Lovelace or the making of the film that immortalized her in pop culture, Deep Throat.

The Top Five Chicks Of Exploitation

Exploitation movies often revolve around women. Sometimes, they are the protagonists. Movies like Cleopatra Jones and TNT Jackson revolve around strong, butt-kicking women. In other films, they are the victims, the woman in distress. Marilyn Burns being chased by Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is "tough" only in the sense that she is able to take a lot of punishment and keep screaming. While the scream queens have their own charms (and healthy lungs), I've always been partial to the women who could chew up and spit out their foes...and look hot doing it. Here are my top five women of exploitation.

1. Pam Grier: The number one slot was the easiest to fill. Pam Grier combined amazing looks with a powerful on-screen charisma, no matter what the role. Her characters are almost always tough and independent, traits that Ms. Grier seemed to naturally embody. While she has had memorable performances since the Seventies, including her roles in Jackie Brown (1997) and Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983), she made her greatest impact starting with The Big Doll House (1971) and ending with Friday Foster (1975). Whether playing a tough jail bird (The Big Doll House, The Big Bird Cage), a woman in search of vengeance (Coffy, Foxy Brown) or a gladiatrix in ancient Rome (Arena), Pam is a welcome sight in any movie.
2. Claudia Jennings: Coming to the world's attention in the pages of Playboy, Jennings was in a handful of movies, but made a lasting impression. Beyond her obvious beauty, she was a pretty good actress. She was believable as an action star and had good comic timing. She was particularly good in The Great Texas Dynamite probably her best role (although I also have a soft spot for her post-apocalyptic sword wielding babe in Deathsport...plus, you get to see David Carradine in a loin-cloth...so appealing...). Unfortunately, just as she was getting starring roles, Jennings was involved in a fatal car crash, dying at age 29 in 1979.
3. Caroline Munro: This brunette bird from Britain made a splash in the Seventies. After appearing in bit parts in a few films, as well as serving as the corpse of Mrs. Phibes in The Abominable Dr. Phibes and Dr. Phibes Rises Again, she made a break-through at Hammer Films. While at Hammer, she had a supporting role in Dracula AD 1972 and co-starred in the underrated Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter. With her sultry good looks and enthusiastic performances, she was great playing a scantily clad slave-girl in The Golden Voyage of Sinbad and a scantily clad native of Pellucidar in At the Earth's Core. With her stunning figure, it is no surprise that "scantily clad" figures in the description of most of her cinema wardrobe. As the Seventies ended and her career was winding down, she had her best role - and one that proved she had talent to go with her looks - 1980's Maniac.
4. Susan George: While she only starred in a few exploitation films, Susan George was great in all of them. She always conveyed a sexuality that was barely contained...or, often, not contained at all. The groovy, if slightly warped Mary from Dirty Mary Crazy Larry...the horny Southern belle in Mandigo...the flirtatious wife of Dustin Hoffman in Straw Dogs...whatever role she had, George oozed sex. While not a stunning beauty, she had a sunny attractiveness. Her big eyes and cute smile (if not quite so cute teeth; hey, she's British) helped her portray characters who would be fun to hang out with...and possibly get involved in a high-speed chase with. She also is a good actor, particularly adapting to the character contortions Peckinpah put her through in Straw Dogs. And, she always seemed to be having fun with her roles, something that makes for appealing characters and an enjoyable viewing experience.
5. Dyanne Thorne: Although really only known for four movies - the Ilsa pictures - Thorne is an icon of exploitation. Even people who have never - and would never - see Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS would recognize Thorne's voluptuous figure in her SS uniform...with the top mostly unbuttoned, of course. While not much of an actress, she did have something that a good exploitation queen needs: screen presence. Thorne made her heartless, ice cold, sex kitten characters seem both dangerous and desirable. Although her film career never progressed beyond the sex and violence trade, she did make a lasting impression.

Now, if only there had been a women in prison film starring all of five of them...with extensive shower scenes. for the drams, of course...it's always about the drama.