31 Days of Halloween - High School of the Dead - Episode 12 "All Deads Attack"

I come into the last episode, hoping that the pace would pick up. In the last two episodes, there was a lot of talking (which has run about 50/50 interesting/repetitive) and not much action. But, we do have a number of plot-lines that need to be wrapped up - the nuclear strikes, Shido's sex bus, the evacuation of the compound, the rise of a "we love zombies" movement among the refugees, and, most importantly, whether our heroes head off on their own again.

The episode starts with the nukes in flight. But, not all is lost. A flotilla of US and Japanese warships are positioned to shoot down a group of Chinese ICBMs (Dong Feng 21s). Three of the missiles are intercepted; however, the ship that was supposed to shoot down the fourth has been overrun by zombie sailors. The weapon detonates over Japan, a high-altitude burst designed to generate a crippling electromagnetic pulse (EMP). This entire sequence, is extremely well-done. It is tense, well-animated and makes me wish more of the series had this serious tone to it.

The EMP destroys electrical equipment and electronic devices across the Japan. At Kansai Airport, Rika (remember her?) immediately realizes what has happened and says "all of our nights are going to be darkness itself." That's cheery.

At the compound, a few minutes before the bomb goes off, Shizuka remembers Rika's phone number. She jumps around a lot and almost smothers Alice with her boobs. There's a very odd moment where she has a hard time using a cell phone. I know she's been portrayed as kind of a bimbo, but here she seems mentally challenged. She gets through to Rika just as the nuke detonates.

Saya knows what's happening immediately, because Saya knows...everything. Shido's bus slams into one of the barricades. He survives, but the bus is surrounded by zombies heading for the compound. This is the last we see of Shido, his fate unknown, although when we see the bus later in the episode, it is empty.

Back in the compound, Saya provides an explanation of what an EMP is and the effects it has, along with helpful graphics. Before this gets to be too much like a physics class, a horde of zombies attacks the compound. They overwhelm the front gate and flood inside.

The refugees are quickly slaughtered. The survivors try to rush through the undead mob, while our heroes load up in the Humvee and take off, to continue the search for Rei and Takashi's parents. Soichiro and Yuriko are last seen surrounded by zombies.

Our heroes are last seen on foot, approaching a mall. The end.

This episode is definitely better than the last two. The actions scenes are exciting, the characters jettison the dead weight - the under-developed characters in the compound - and the series ends as it began, with our heroes on their own, trying to survive.

I really enjoy the series as a whole. The animation is top notch. The action scenes are exciting and creatively constructed. The characters are well-developed, even if, near the end of the series, there is a tendency to repeat character traits already established. The themes of the series - growing up and getting out into the world on your own, examining how different people deal with trauma, the fragile nature of civilization - are looked at in thoughtful ways, through both action and dialogue. The tonal shifts can be a little jarring; however, for the most part the mix of humor and horror is well-balanced. Check the series out. If you are a fan of zombies or action/horror anime you'll enjoy it.

Best Line: The leader of the Zombie Benevolent Society as she chops up an attacking undead. "It's all your fault...I was trying very ahrd to help you."

Best Kill: Discovering the effect a bundle of dynamite has on the undead (see right).

Fan Service: Although we have a couple of candidates, I have to go with Shizuka jumping on down...and up and down...and up and down. If she's not careful, she could give herself a boob related concussion.

Bonus: There is an OVA ("Drifters of the Dead") which you can check out below. It's not very good; 22 minutes of our gang on a desert island, wearing skimpy swimsuits, hallucinating because of some leaves they burn, engaging various sexual pairings...oh, and Takashi has sex with a couple of zombies. The end.

31 Days of Halloween - Episode 11 "Dead Storm Rising"

The last episode had a lot of talking without much character development, other than Kohta demonstrating why he should not have a gun. However, it did set up a number of conflicts to bring the series to a close. These include: Shido learning of the compound; the group trying to decide if they want to remain with Saya's parents of head off on their own; the adults treating our heroes like kids; Takashi on the verge - but just on the verge - of nailing every chick in the group; and Saya's parents deciding who will come with them and who will be left behind when the evacuate the compound. Do they pay off?

On the bus, Shindo, who has appointed himself mayor of Crazytown, is giving a speech to his orgying (orgified?) flock about how they are "unspoiled" and that he wants them to "cleanse" him of his sins. All while crying. And his followers seem to love it. My followers never like it when I cry and rant about my sins. I need new followers.

This is the face of someone I would follow...absolutely nowhere.

Back at the Saya family compound, some of the survivors are expressing doubts that the dead are actually rising. Saya gets into an argument with the leader of the Soon-To-Be-Dead Skeptics Club, which devolves into a diatribe on the part of the latter about Soichiro controlling them with violence, the plight of other Asian countries, and being forced to be "murders" by "pigs of exploited classes" and "high school kids who are intoxicated by their violent power." Hey, wait, is this Occupy Zombieland? In the aftermath of the confrontation, Kohta explains that the skeptics are trying to cope with the new reality by denying it. Then, for no particular reason, Takashi is pronounced leader of the group by Kohta and Saya.

Elsewhere, Soichiro is giving Saeko a rare sword (to pay off a debt of honor owed to her father) and a history lesson. All in super-creepy tones. Saeko says she is unworthy of the sword, etc. Whatever. We know she's going to take it, so why not just say "thanks" and go hack off some zombie heads?

Rei provides Takashi with an ego boost, saying she should never have broken up with him and that she loves him. This leads to nothing - well, Takashi does say he's not certain whether he wants to kiss her or smack her - and she leaves. As she does so, she crosses paths with Saeko who is on her way to see Takashi. Rei and Saeko have an odd moment where Saeko says they are...well, something...and Rei tells her not to bring it up. Uh, what? You can't introduce a mysterious plot element right before the series end. Bad writer! No Scooby Snacks for you!

Yes, anything you say, I will do.

At the barricades, Shido's bus pulls up. The guards, overcome with the desire to save breasts (image at right) let them in. I quite understand. We get a Shido flashback, about his father (a member of the Diet), who was mean to Shido's mom to the point that she killed herself. We do learn why Rei hates him - he failed her one year, forcing her to repeat a class at the behest of his father, as a way of teaching her father (a detective investigating him) a lesson.

Wait, that's why she hates him? I had hoped for something a little more meaty. Also, how does that teach anyone a lesson? Granted, it's not a great thing to have happen;; but, on the scale of things to do to a rival's family, this isn't that epic. You want epic revenge, check out the ending of Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus.

Rei confronts Shido, but this is so boring, that I don't even care. It's supposed to be dramatic and Soichiro urges Rei to kill Shido, but it comes across as padding. Soichiro then kicks out Shido and his students, the one's who have been "infected with [his] evil." How does Soichiro know this?

Uh...I have no words.

In a more interesting plotline, a US Ohio-class SSBN gets a launch order. They are to fire Trident missiles against "Romeo Kilo" (North Korea) and "November Charlie" (Northern China, I guess). The missile launches are being tracked by the crew of the International Space Station They can see that ICBMs are also being fired from Russia. The episode ends with one of the astronauts saying "it's Armageddon."

The episode ties up some plotlines (e.g., Shido and Rei), while also examining themes of denial in the face of powerlessness and different concepts of personal and family honor. We get more background info on a few of our characters; but this strikes me more as filler than dramatically necessary. Shido is a murderous, sex-crazed nutjob because his dad was mean to his mom? That's what we're going with? It would have been better to not give him any motivation. For that matter, leaving Rei's hatred for him more nebulous would've worked better as well. Ultimately, the problem with this episode is not the lack of action; it is that the discussions and revealed character motivations are either repeats or not dramatically satisfying. The skeptics are in a laughable state of denial, Shido's transgression against Rei lacks drama, Takashi's qualms about being the leader are underdeveloped...none of the major plotlines work well in this episode. Still, it does end on a high note, with the gang coming to a decision crisis (evacuate with Saya's parents or head off on their own) and with the Great Powers adding another dimension of chaos and destruction to the zombie apocalypse.

Best line: Soichiro to Saeko: "Go ahead, touch it. You will not stain it's power." Hey, He's talking about the sword, you pervs.

Best kill: None this episode. Shido kicks one of his students off the bus at the beginning of the movie and the poor kid is torn apart, but it is off screen.

Fan Service: Have to go with Shido's student using her boobs to gain entrance to Soichiro's compound. Respect the power of boobs.

As a bonus, here's the "Honest Movie Trailer" for World War Z.

Yay! Posting!

Apparently, spending three days rocking out to some awesome bands, followed by 16 hours in airports leads to a lack of posting. Huh.

Anyway, posting will recommence...now!

More Halloween Coming

Your humble narrator has been in Vegas at the Life is Beautiful music festival. I'm still recovering from the concentrated awesomeness, but Halloween ain't over yet. Posting will resume late today.

Poster(s) of the Day - Warlords of Atlantis (1978)

I have never actuall yseen this movie. But I remeber seeing th e trailer asa kid and thought it looked pretty neat. How neat? Check this out:

Doug McClure! Giant Octopus! Mod-Haired Aliens! Rubbery Special Effects! Exclamation Points Everywhere! This movie has it all. Okay, the trailer has it all. The movie might be these scenes and then 85 minutes of Doug doing a crossword puzzle.

But we're not here or the trailer. We're here for the posters. And look at these beauties!

Of the four posters, this is the least interesting. While we have some nice action, the fish monster eating someone and a chick being menaced by a tentacle (no, this is not hentai) it also has an awful lot of white space. And the prominent tagline doesn't really do much for me.

Okay, this is better. It's the same art, but the poster is laid out more effectively. The action is the centerpiece. Centering it on the Frazetta-esque here and the damsel in distress sells the action and adventure aspects of the movie more effectively that having it reduced to a sidebar.

While the art is a less polished, this poster pops. The title emerging from the underwater city is cool, as well as the way the elements of the poster frame the title: monsters, heroes, diving equipment...okay, that last one doesn't work so well. One other nice touch; the advertisement for the novelization in the lower left corner. You don't see that on movie posters any longer.

Okay, I have no idea what country this is from. India, maybe? Anyway, I like how colorful it is with the bold yellow and orange giving it a lot of energy and are a nice counter-point to almost black of the water. It's a little less action packed than the first two posters, but you still get a nice sense of how this film is a pulp action throw-back.

Now, i just need to see the movie.

Air New Zealand Has Another Amazing Air Saftey Video

A couple of months ago, Air New Zealand was criticized for a great air safety video featuring Sports Illustrated bikini models (see here to learn more about how to buckle your seat-belt). Come on guys, it's about AIR SAFETY. Why do you hate safety?

Anyway, I think they've topped it with this Middle Earth themed video. Check it out.

31 Days of Halloween - Highschool of the Dead - Episode 10 "The Dead's House Rules"

Kohta REALLY likes his gun.

After the last episode, which effectively combined decent action and character development, this episode is both busy and repetitive. It does show how dangerously disturbed everyone is becoming. It also indulges in some teen angst cliches, although that is to be expected. This is High School of the Dead after all.

It starts promisingly enough. One day after Takashi and Saeko arrive at Saya's home, Takashi and a nude Rei are in bed. Shizuka enters the room, hands covered in goo and starts massaging Rei's back. After the credits, Rei gets mad at Takashi because he used her "boobs to balance an AK-47." That's a pretty good reason. Takashi leaves the room and makes Saeko briefly uncomfortable by leering at her in a kimono.

Saya's mom knows how you make an entrance. With boobs. That's how.

Saya shows up, pissed at life in general and her parents in particular. She takes it out on Takashi, then stalks off to find Kohta, her preferred whipping boy. He's cleaning his guns in the garage. She explains to him how the urban infrastructure will soon be failing and even her parents' fortress-like compound will become untenable. Meanwhile, Saya's mom, Yuriko, tells Takashi of her husband Soichiro's plans to evacuate people out of the city, but only those who can survive.

Our heroes gather to discuss their options; either remain - and lose their autonomy - or head off on their own. While Takashi tries to be reasonable, Saya starts ranting about what a hard life she has, how tough it was being the daughter of rich, powerful people, etc. Takashi gets pissed and brings her to her sense with a dose of tough love, that involves violent shaking. Not cool, man, not cool.

At the appropriate dramatic moment, Saya's father returns home at the head of a supply convoy. One of his men who has been bitten. He's in a cage (why was Soichiro lugging a cage around with him?) and has turned into a zombie. Soichiro kills him, saying it his duty to put his former retainer (and friend) out of his misery. He also does it to make a point; that the zombies are not friends or family members any longer.

For some reason, this causes Kohta to have some kind of breakdown about the problems of using swords. Sure, why not. So he runs off, grabs all of his guns and then is confronted by an group of adults who want him to turn his weapons over to them. Given how unstable Kohta actually is, this might be a good idea. Meanwhile, Saya is telling Saeko how things have changed ("there are no more kendo tournaments and koi ponds"). Why doe s Saya think that no realizes this?

Kohta turns into a blubbering - albeit heavily armed - heap.

Soichiro finds his men about to beat up Kohta and take his guns. He asks what is going on and Kohta cries and says without his guns "they" will make fun of him again. Saya finally shows up and says that Kohta has been doing her father's job of protecting her.

The episode ends with one of Shido’s minions who has infiltrated the compound reporting that he will be welcome there. Back on the bus, Shido is overseeing an orgy. Because that makes perfect sense in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. The end.

This is a slow episode. In part, that's because a couple of new characters are introduced (Saya's parents) and have to be rapidly sketched out. Much of the dialogue is repetitious, particularly, Saya repeatedly explaining how "nothing is the same anymore." I think every gets that. Also, after seeing Kohta's behavior, I wouldn't want him to have a gun. For the most part, though, the problem with the episode is that nothing much really happens. No decisions are made and we learn nothing new about the characters, except the Saya hates her parents.

There are some good elements. The "coming of age" theme is brought to the forefront with our teen heroes thinking of returning to the zombie infested world (i.e., the adult world) to find their own way, to leave the literal and symbolic home and domineering parents. Also, the epilogue with Shido's Bus of a Thousand Delights is kind of disturbing. It's just a glimpse. But we see enough to know how this corrupt adult has assumed power; by allowing his charges to give into some of their baser impulses, as long as they follow him.

Best Line: After Saeko talks about the rarity of the koi in the pond at Saya's home she responds with, "So you're an expert in kendo and you have a part-time job at Pet Smart."

Best Kill: Kind of sparse this episode, but I do like the aftermath of Soichiro killing his retainer. The man's severed head floats in a fountain, staring at the gathered humans. There is a missed opportunity. It would have been creepier to have the head still animated, with eyes moving and mouth snapping.

Fan Service: There's not a lot in this episode. However, we do get a shot of Rei's bare behind. So, I consider that a winner.

31 Days of Halloween - High School of the Dead - Episode 9 "The Sword and Dead"

Takashi and Saeko out for a relaxing drive.

So, Saya's mom is a fuchsia haired babe? Who would ever have guessed. I would have, that's who. Does anyone in anime have a normal, natural hair-color? Why not, Japan, why not?

Anyway, when we last saw Takashi and Saeko, they were trying to find a safe route through zombie-infested neighborhoods. They spot Saya's house, a hilltop mansion. They find an amphibious ATV in a motorcycle shop, drive through a horde of zombies, and make it to sand bar in the middle of the river. Of course, Saya gets soaked in the process, leading to see-through shirts, gratuitous underwear, slinky cocktail dresses, etc. But enough of that. Let's have some character development!

Be careful, Saya! You could put an eye out with those things.

While on the sandbar, Takashi probes Saeko about past boyfriends (see what I did there). She says that she may have been in love...then gives a sitrep on the local zombie population. That's our Saeko...always on mission. After killing a bunch of zombies, Sako freezes when confronted by a pair of undead rugrats. Takashi has to shoot them, then pull her away. They take refuge in a temple. Takashi helps her out by presenting her with a real sword, her now dry school uniform and a chemical toilet. He's so thoughtful. Saeko explains that she froze up not because of the kids. It was because she almost killed someone our years before when he attacked her on the street. She confesses that, as she was beating on his with her bokken, she enjoyed it ("I fought until there was nothing but blood and bones. it was bliss, absolute total pleasure." yikes!). She thinks that this makes her unworthy of love.

Zombies; not so good with stairs.

Takashi reassures Saeko that anyone with boobs like hers has to be a good person. Logic! It is implied the two of them hook up as the screen fades to black. The next morning, they emerge from the temple. Zombies are everywhere. Saeko is unable to face them. Takashi decides to convince her to fight by roughly squeezing one of her boobs while giving her a pep talk. I like the pep talk, but the whole thing with her breast is kind of weird. I don't think would actually help a young woman get over a traumatic experience.

However, since it's Takashi his version of tough love works and Saeko is ready to use her new katana to chop some zombie heads off. After wiping out the undead - and possibly orgasming...or, at least, looking very, very happy - Saeko and Takshi make it to Saya's place, arm in arm. Saya sees this and is not happy. And, since Saya is the single greatest character in the series, her pain is my pain. The episode ends with everyone reunited, and Takashi narrating, saying he accepts Saeko's darkness and wants her that way so he can survive. The end.

Saeko ready for a night out clubbing...or clubbing zombies.

This episode is very character oriented. Although it starts out with a bunch of an service shots and includes some pretty good violence, it really is about Saeko and Takashi. Saeko's back story is interesting and Takashi's self-serving desire to see Saeko embrace her violent nature lends some grey to his character. This is one reason why the series is more than just violence and boobs. The creative team has taken the time to make characters that have depth, that are interesting, and have complex motives. Saeko's background helps explain why she is so proficient with her sword; it is not just about being a good fighter. She derives satisfaction from it.

I will say, the whole boob squeezing thing is probably the single oddest moment in the series. It is similarly to the thug who groped Rei in Episode Four. I'm not sure if that is the parallel the series creators want us to make, but it does lend some darkness, both to Takashi and to the rampant sexuality.

Note: For some reason, I got it in my head that Alice was called Sally. I've gone through my posts and corrected that. I assume the name Alice is a reference to Resident Evil.

Best Line: Saeko after being due to Takashi's driving soaked a second time: "Jesus Christ, do you actually enjoy getting me wet or something?" Hey, we all do.

Best Kill: Saeko in a slinky cocktail dress, lecturing a zombie on his hygiene before hitting hard enough to send him hurling through the air.

Fan Service: We get a lot of shots of Saeko in various stages of undress in this episode, but I'm going to go with this one:

Well, at least Taakshi doesn't get nosebleeds or say "I like turtles" when he sees a hot chick. He just because more cartoonish.

Bonus: Pretty sweet animated music video for Rob Zombie's 'American Witch.'

"

Pointless Remake News - Cabin Fever

I don't have a problem with remakes, per se. We've seen some that are pretty good. For example, John Carpenter's version of The Thing is as much of a masterpiece as the 1951 original. The recent remakes/reboots of the Planet of the Apes franchise have been great films. The Magnificent Seven is a wonderful remake and re-imaging of The Seven Samurai (as is Battle Beyond the Stars). One can easily find movies that have been successfully remade, some loosely connected to the original, others very closely. Usually, what a worthwhile remake does is bring something to the screen that the original didn't. It can be a new theme, better effects, a different tone, a different setting...something that sets the new film apart. It also helps if the source material has some depth to it or reflects a story-telling archetype. For example, The Seven Samurai is such a primal story - a group of imperfect heroes helping the underdog against an oppressive force - that you can easily see it being made time and again.

Then, there are remakes that make you ask "What. The. Fuck." In that category is the announced remake of Cabin Fever. I enjoyed the original. I thought the first sequel was terrible and the prequel left a lot to be desired (see here for that review. But the basic concept - flesh eating virus infects group of people leading to gooey survival horror fun - could still lend itself to new movies. So, why remake the original? And why use the exact same script? Yes, that's right.

This is what Deadline is reporting;

Eli Roth’s 2002 horror comedy Cabin Fever is getting a remake, with the original movie’s writer-director Roth returning as executive producer. He won’t have to do much writing this time, though: The plan is to use the exact same Roth-Randy Pearlstein script that was shot in 2002, and with a cast already moved in, it puts the project on the fast track. Shooting begins this week in Portland, OR.
The new version will star Teen Wolf‘s Gage Golightly, Dustin Ingram, Samuel Davis, Matthew Daddario and Nadine Crocker. Travis Zariwny (Intruder) is directing.

I quite honestly don't understand this. First, while the first film was fun, it's not exactly a household name. Second, why use the exact same script? Are they that lazy? That dumb? Neither the sequel nor prequel are any good, but at least they told original stories. I don't care if this shows up on Netflix; I'm not watching it. And I watched Strippers vs Werewolves, so yo know my viewing bar is set pretty low. If we stop watching lazy shit like this, they'll stop making it. I'd rather watch the worst original story than a cynical money grab like this.

31 Days of Halloween - The Green Slime (1968) With Slimey Alien Spoilers

I first saw this movie late one night when I was about 12. That's probably the best time and age for the film. I still enjoy watching it; but the part of me that really likes it is my inner 12-year-old.

Synopsis

It is the future. A large space station orbits the Earth, commanded by Vince Elliott (Richard Jaeckel). A massive asteroid is spotted on a collision course with Earth. Commander Jack Rankin (Robert Horton) is sent to the space station to lead an expedition to destroy the asteroid. He and Vince were once friends, but had a falling out. In part, this was due to a decision that Vince made that got some men killed. Vince is also engaged to Lisa (the oh-so-hot Luciana Paluzzi) who once was Jack's girl.

The mission to the asteroid is successful. However, a member of the science team inadvertently brings back a strange organic substance, the Green Slime. It rapidly evolves into s horde of squat, tentacle-armed electricity generating monsters, whose blood generates more creatures. Despite the best efforts of the crew, the station is soon overrun. Jack and Vince rig the station to burn-up in the Earth's atmosphere; but Vince is killed in the process. The aliens are destroyed, Vince gets to die heroically and Jack gets Lisa. Happy endings for everyone. Well, not so much for Vince. Or the Green Slime for that matter. So, happy ending for the arrogant, annoying guy and his hot ginger love monkey.

Analysis

Luciana Paluzzi.
Do you think I'm NOT going to post a pic of a hot redhead?
Do you know which site you are on?

Toy-like miniatures. Rubber suit aliens. Unlikeable characters and clunky dialogue. A cheesy rock song with lyrics like;

What can it be, what is the reason
is this the end of all that breathes, and
Is it something in your head?
Will you believe it when you’re dead?”

In other words...completely awesome! Or, perhaps some other word!

One way to look at this film is as the side of a cinematic coin shared with another sci-fi movie that came out the same year, 2001: A Space Odyssey. While it may seem heretical to mention Kubrick's masterpiece with this firmly b-movie space opera, they do represent two types of sci-fi cinema that are still jostling for dominance. 2001 exemplifies a mix of hard science and metaphysical musings. The Green Slime is pure space opera, science fiction as an adventure movie with no pretensions of anything else. The characters in 2001 take back-seat to the technology. They are cyphers with the artificial intelligence HAL showing more personality than the men who created him. Kubrick was purposeful in what he did; his future man has reached a dead end. In contrast, the characters in The Green Slime are more "human." That they are cliches involved in melodramatic conflicts doesn't detract from the fact they are much more "alive" than their counter-parts in Kubrick's film. The color palette is starkly different. 2001 is very sterile, with lots of whites, blacks and greys. The Green Slime is a riot of color, from the bright red asteroid to the brightly colored walls and uniforms on the space station. While the future depicted in 2001 looks plausible, The Green Slime looks more like pop art.

Space opera remains more popular than the cerebral science fiction film. While the latter exist (Moon, Melancholia, and Her are recent examples), most science fiction films are more closely related to The Green Slime. While effects technology has advanced to the point that even modest budgeted films can look good, they still have space opera sensibilities. A film like Avatar, for example, looks amazing. However, it is populated by bombastic characters not out of place in a movie like The Green Slime and the story is a simplistic framework for colorful action scenes. For a time, it looked like science fiction films might take a more serious route. 2001 was seen as a masterpiece, The Green Slime as a juvenile example of B-movie sensibilities. With the success of Star Wars, however, the action-adventure space opera became the dominant style of sci-fi cinema. The children of the Green Slime live.

The Green Slime are coming for you! Well, not really.
THey're just heading out for coffee and bear claws.

Verdict

The Green Slime is a fun movie. It is bright and fast paced. The characters are archetypes and played with the intensity of wood chippers. The story is straight-forward; survival horror in space with a love triangle subplot. The effects are, um, quaint. The silly monster suits and extensive, but toy-like, miniatures add to the charm of the movie. Check it out.

Bonus: The rockin' theme!

Crack The Spine - American International Pictures - The Golden Years

Gary Smith's history of American International Pictures is interesting, but only for very niche audience. If you are a film buff, you'll probably enjoy this. If you are looking for a history of AIP told in a conventional narrative format, are looking for detailed synopses and reviews of their films or are a more causal movie-goer, you probably won't enjoy the book.

Smith charts the rise of AIP through the use of interviews, press kits, industry write-ups from the 50s-70s, as well as capsule synopsis of some of the films and reviews from contemporary sources. He wants to show how AIP formed, how they did business, how they sold themselves and their pictures and how, ultimately, they fell out of step with what the American movie-going public wanted.

Some of the book drags. For example, reading about trade award ceremonies isn't very interesting and, I think, holds less insight into how the company functioned than the author thinks. Conversely, his choice of press kits - including advice on how theaters can promote the films (much of which is very "gimmicky") - and release schedules is fascinating. It is particularly of interest to see which films were planned but never made. For example, H.G. Wells The Sleeper Awakes is on their release schedule for years but was never produced. The book also details how significant domestic releases of foreign films became, with a significant proportion of their release schedule being repackaged films from Europe. Finally,the reader gains insight into how AIP could rise from nothing to one of the most significant independent film producer sin Hollywood.

If there is anything that is lacking it is that the fall of AIP is handled in one chapter. I would've like to see more about how the AIP model ceased to work after 20 years of success. That model - to make tightly budgeted films that appealed primarily to teen and early adult tastes, mostly in genres that are consideration "exploitation", while remaining flexible enough to change the formula to stay fresh - seemed to falter as AIP became more ambitious and the major studios started to adopt some of AIP's marketing and production strategies.

If you are interested in a history of AIP that has a different structural style than a standard film history narrative style and focuses more on how AIP functioned instead of in-depths looks at each film, then you should check it out.

31 Days of Halloween - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) - Spoilers...But Who Cares?

What can the prequel to the 2003 reboot of the 1974 original really offer? Other than Diora Baird, of course. If you don't know who that is, I have provided a handy gallery at the end of this post. Because I care.

Synopsis

This will be a quick one. Tommy "Leatherface" Hewitt (Andrew Bryniarski), his bug nuts insane adopted uncle Charlie (R. Lee Ermey) and a couple of other family members (Marietta Marich and Terrence Evans ) start their killing/cannibalism spree in July 1969. Tommy kills his boss at the local slaughterhouse when it closes and Charlie takes out the last sheriff in the country and assumes his identity, Hoyt. A foursome - Vietnam vet Eric (Matt Bomer), his draft dodging brother, Dean (Taylor Handley) and their girlfriends Chrissie (Jordana Brewster) and Bailey (Diora Baird), as well as a couple of bikers (Cyia Batten and Lee Tergesen), cross paths with the Hewitts. None of them escape. The end.

Analysis

Before going over the technical details and storytelling, let's address the central problem a film like this has. We already now that Leatherface and family can't be killed or discovered. So, there is absolutely no tension. We know that nothing that puts the antagonists in danger or that could result in a protagonist surviving is going to happen. So, when it looks like Chrissie might escape at the end, the audience knows this can't happen. That means, no tension and no suspense.

Of course, prequels (and their cousins, flashbacks) can work. The Godfather II is a great example of this. While not strictly a prequel, enough of the runtime is taken up with the story of Vito Corleon (Robert Di Niro) and his early rise to power in America that it can be seen as a hybrid sequel/prequel. As the audience, we know that Vito is going to become the Godfather. However, his backstory is told in an interesting fashion, is well acted and, most importantly, a dramatic movie works by different rules than a horror film.

In a horror film, particularly survival horror, much of the thrill of watching comes from seeing who will live. If you know that a) none of your antagonists can die and b) none of your protagonists can live, then you diffuse much what makes a film like this interesting. Of course, it can still be entertaining. In the Friday the Thirteenth series, you know most of the people are going to die. But, you don't necessarily know who, even if the cannon fodder characters are often pretty easy to spot. In a drama, character development is more important. Knowing why Vito behaved the way he did and how his rise to power differed from that of his son, Michael (Al Pacino) is important, because it creates motivation and adds layers to the characters.

The Beginning isn't so much bad as it is pointless. The cinematography by Lukas Ettlin is pretty good. The film has a nice black and washed out yellow color palette. The gore effects are a good example of practical makeup. The acting by Matt Bomer is pretty good. And Diora Baird and Jordana Brewster are easy on the eyes. There are a couple of sequences that are well-conceived and executed; in particular, a scene in which Hoyt forces Dean to do push-ups while beating him is brutal and, in a film in which tension was present, would've worked really well.

On the downside, in addition to the pointless nature of the film, there are other defects. The film meanders from one act of brutality to another with little effort made to create a plot. The film drifts back and forth between gritty horror and dark humor. While this mix can work (e.g., Cabin in the Woods) there isn't much of flow between the two moods. Most of the humor comes from Ermey scenery chewing performance, which seems more like the actor doing what he wanted and less like planned tonal shifts. The movie relies heavily on jump scares and the ending insults the audience. Chrissie is in a car, about to escape, when Leatherface basically appears in the backseat. There is no way he could've gotten there or that she would've missed him when she got in. You should never end your film by pissing in your audience's face.

Verdict

It is actually frustrating to watch the movie. There are some good actors involved. The film looks good, assuming you like dark, grim images. Some of the characters are interesting and there was the possibility of seeing how they interact and develop. But, it is all in service of a story that is meaningless, that is devoid of tension. It's a waste of time, resources and effort.

If all you want to see is R. Lee Ermey overacting and some good gore effects, then The Beginning might work for you. If not, then I have to say avoid at all costs.

In case you are wondering, Here's the trailer:

And, as promised, more Diora Baird than you shake your...um...a stick at. Enjoy.

And here's an interview she had with Maxim. Because we care about her thoughts and stuff.

Something New Published

Check out the new issue of Far Horizons out and my piece in it, Open Source.

31 Days of Halloween - Highschool of the Dead - Episode 8 "The Dead Way Home"

Zombie America nukes the world!

Zombie First Lady has her own dietary initiative...lo-cal brains.

Somehow, zombies have gotten onto Air Force One. When I first saw this episode, I was like "how would that happen?" With the recent Ebola events, I now know that some zombie with intestines hanging from his mouth was probably invited on by the "Reanimation Czar." Hey, I'm topical.

Anyway, the President and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff have been been bitten. The Chairman urges the President to launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the other nuclear powers. Why? 'Cause 'Merica, that's why.

The girls looking fashionable and ready for some zombie-killing.

While Zombie President is getting ready to nuke Russia and China (wouldn't that just create radioactive zombies? Sequel!) back in Japan our heroes are driving across the river to the part of the city their families live in. Among other things, we learn that Saeko sucks her thumb when she sleeps and that Kohta likes sing abut shooting guns to the tune of "Row Your Boat.". The girls get dressed (Why? Why?!?!?!), Kohta dubs the dog "Zero" after the World War Two fighter (of course), and Takashi gets a shotgun.

The group decides to head to Saya's house first, since it is the closest. The city appears to be deserted, although there are signs of violence. Cue a 28 Days Later musical montage homage! Of course, the group runs into zombies (this is not High School of Peacefully Driving Around) and encounters a barrier across the road. Rei is tossed off the roof of the Hummvee. Our heroes leap into action to save her. Takashi grows to love his shotgun, after Kohta tells him how to use it effectively. Give it up for the gun geek.

This firing stance is not NRA approved.

After running out of shells, he switches to the rifle strapped to Rei. Of course, he has to use her extra large boobs to stabilize the gun. Isn't that what they teach Marine Corps snipers? Even with the growing pile of dead (re-dead?) zombies, the gang is about to be overrun. Takashi and Saeko try to distract the zombies, but they are unsuccessful.

All looks lost when suddenly a bunch of people in fireman uniforms show up on the other side of the barrier, led by Saya's mom. They rescue the people trapped near the barrier while Takashi and Saeko, cut off, set out to find another way to safety. The end.

Takashi gets a little Matrix-y for his zombie killing.

The scenes in Air Force One are neat, if a little odd. The reason for launching nukes isn't that clear. It reminds me of a similar scene in the Japanese movie Virus in which a bio-weapon (US made, of course) gets loose and wipes out most of the human race; the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs activates an auto-launch system that winds up nuking most of the cities of the world. I guess it's a Japanese thing. Other than that, this is a good episode. We get some great action at the end and some character development (we learn a bit more about the new addition to the group, Alice). Saya has some great lines and everybody gets a moment to do something useful in the episode. Of course, there is the usual mix of grim horror, teen drama and sexually charged humor.

Best Line: Saya to Kohta, "Don't bastardize Mother Goose."

Best Kill: Takashi getting some air before crushing a zombie's head.

Fan Service: Comes early this episode (5 minutes and 4 seconds), with Saeko waking up, contorting into various uncomfortable looking position, and generally looking, um, refreshed. Yes, refreshed. That's it.

Bonus: Saeko's boobs dodge a bullet while she bashes in zombie skulls. So, everything I love about the series in 20 seconds.

31 Days of Halloween - The Giant Claw (1957)

The Earth is invaded by a giant space turkey. Really.

Synopsis

North of the Arctic Circle, a team of Air Force officers and technicians are testing out a new DEW (Distant Early Warning) Line radar. Mitch (Jeff Morrow) is an electronics engineer and pilot. Also involved is Sally (Mara Corday), a mathematician and system analyst. Mitch is conducting a test flight when something "as big as a battleship" flies past him. Whatever it is, it is invisible to radar. While flying back to New York, their transport is attacked and crashes. Mitch and Sally make it out of the wreckage.

Mata Corday. Don't all system analysts lounge around like this? I do.

More attacks follow as the space bird attacks trains, planes and automobiles. The military is unable to harm it, since it has an antimatter force shield. Mitch and Sally realize the bird is one Earth to lay its eggs. They deduce where it has laid them (at a farm in upstate New York where they took shelter after the airplane crash). They travel to the farm and destroy the eggs. Then, as an encore, Mitch comes up with a way to bring down the shield. In a final battle over New York City, the shield is destroyed, followed by the bird. The film ends with a shot of a claw sinking into the ocean.

Analysis

The Giant Claw has a reputation as one of the worst films ever made. Does it deserve this harsh judgement. No...and yes.

Compared to many of the other science fiction films of the era, it's somewhere in the middle of the pack as far as story and acting go. While not in the same league as classics like The Day The Earth Stood Still, The Thing from Another World to Them, it is no worse than movies like Earth vs The Flying Saucers or The Monster that Challenged the World. Jeff Morrow makes for a good Fifties-style geek of action. Mara Corday is hot and pretty believable as a science babe. Some of the supporting cast is wooden, but not offensively so. The story - monster attacks Earth, conventional means to fight it are useless, hero finds sciencey way to kill the monster, does so, gets the girl, the end - is found in a host of films. The dialogue is at times clever. After Mitch makes a window-rattling, fly-over of a building the Sally is in and, after being told that Mitch "makes his own rules" she says, "So does a three year old child until his mother spanks him." He replies (over the radio), "Mother, dear mother, I'm ready if you are." At other times it is pretty bad, but for the most part, the dialogue is what you'd expect in a Fifties sci-fi film.

What kills the movie (and, paradoxically, makes it memorable) are the special effects. People focus on the ludicrous bird (see image at right), but all the miniature work is terrible. It is worse than using store-bought models. Nothing matches up to the stock footage (of which there is a lot), the planes look like they were carved from balsa wood, the trains and cars look like toys.

Of course, the bird is the highlight of what is wrong with the visuals. It is poorly conceived, poorly designed and poorly executed. How anyone could have looked at this and said "yeah, that's a great monster" is beyond me. Even if the bird had been poorly animated, it could have been given a more menacing look. The explanation is that the effects work was farmed out to Mexico to save on costs and wasn't seen by the production team until it was too late to redo them. It may have achieved the cost-savings goal, but, at the cost of being anything but the object of laughter.

Of course, one could argue that if the film had had competent, but low-budget effects, no one would remember it.

Notes

The Giant Claw says, "Watch me or I'll leave a 5 ton 'gift' on your front lawn."

One little oddity: the screenplay writer, Samuel Newman, also wrote Invisible Invaders. One of the characters in that film is Doctor Karol Noymann. There is also a Doctor Karol Noymann in The Giant Claw. Coincidence? Character name reuse by a lazy writer? Or, an early attempt to create a cinematic universe? After being attacked by the space turkey, Earth is invaded by zombie-making invisible killers from the Moon! Eh, probably not.

Verdict

Worst movie ever? Nope. Some of the worst effects you'll see? Well, that's a better charge to lay against the film. Worth checking out? If you like the run-of-the-mill Fifties sci-fi and can see the humor in both the dialogue (intentional and otherwise) and the effects, then you might enjoy this movie. I find it to be cheesy fun, so I'd say, check it out.

Hey, and you can do so right here!

Movie Logic - Wait, How's That A Happy Ending? Spoilers!

So, I was watching The Sons of Katie Elder , a John Wayne/Dean Martin Western from 1965. It's pretty entertaining, even if there are plot points and individual scenes that don't make much sense. However, the ending is a great example of movie logic.

The film follows four brothers who return home for their Mom's funeral in late-19th century Texas. They clash with the local businessman who stole their family ranch, then murdered their father. Eventually, the bad guys are dead, as well as the least interesting of the brothers (Earl Holliman). However, the ending gives the impression that everything is going to be fine for the remaining brothers. Not so fast, Hollywood.

Did you think we would forget that Dean Martin is wanted for murder? Or that John Wayne went and killed the chief villain, even though local law enforcement told him not to? Even in 1880s Texas, I assume that would be considered manslaughter. And we still don't know how the Wayne and Martin are supposed to pay for youngest brother Bud's (Michael Anderson, Jr.) school, since it was Mom's dream he go to college. What about the horses they had picked up on credit to sell that are now wandering all over the ass-end of Texas? Hey, given the state of medical technology in Ciudad El Remoto...or whatever the town they are in is named...how confident are we that Martin's and Anderson's injuries aren't going to leave them permanently crippled? Will John Wayne wind up changing Dean Martin's bedpans?

But, hey, the bad guy is blown up, the dead brother is forgotten and John Wayne is probably going to bang sassy boarding-house owner Martha Hyer. Happy Endings for all!

31 Days of Halloween - High School of the Dead - Episode 7 "Dead Night and the Dead Ruck"

"Dead Ruck?' What is that? Did someone mean "rock"but misspell it? Just one of life's mysteries that will never be answered.

Why does Kohta have fangs? Hmmm...

Picking up where the last episode left off, our heroes are either in a sex shampoo stupor (Saya, Shizuka, Rei), cooking in a thong (Saeko, a potentially dangerous activity if you are frying anything), or on the balcony, watching the zombie horde gather (Takashi, Kohta). Outside, an annoying little dog is barking, drawing the undead. See, yappy dogs are good for nothing, except getting you killed. We also have some random dude running around with a shotgun and...oops, he's dead. Sorry, Mr. Z. Fodder, we hardly knew you.

Saeko gives Takashi a lecture on things he already knows (everything is changed, it's getting worse, people are a danger), but she does so while presenting him with a nice view of her boobs and butt, thanks to twisty anime spine, so he doesn't bother to stop her. Hey, right there with you, bro. Besides, who wants to interrupt a purple-haired killing machine? Not me.

Wow, no one likes the Jehovah's Witnesses/

Back on the balcony, Takashi uses binoculars to check out the surrounding carnage, as survivors are torn apart on the streets. He then spies a father and his young daughter trying to gain entrance to a house. This is our last main character, Alice. Her father is killed by the home owners, who apologize. Little know fact: in Japan, if you apologize after gut-stabbing someone, it's considered "polite disembowelment" (gojira ponzu in the original Japanese) and is completely legal. Try it out and let me know how it works for you.

Takashi and Kohta decide they can't watch a little girl get eaten. With Kohta providing sniper support, Takashi takes the motorcycle and drives through the mob of hungry undead. But, not before Rei expresses concern and Saeko says things like "It's a man's decision" and "Knock 'em dead, cowboy" all while trying to expose as much of her butt cheeks as possible, while also providing side-boob. Saeko is becoming my favorite character. I wonder why? Hmmmmm....

Saeko engages in unsafe, but sexy, roof riding. Kohta doesn't seem to mind.
Oh, and animated camel toe? Really guys?

So, action scene, action scene, action scene, bad hair-metal background music, Takashi rescues the girl and the dog, gets urinated on (by the girl, the dog is better trained), finds himself stuck on a wall, the girls load up the Hummvee and rescue Takashi, Alice and yappy dog. Although reunited and mobile, our heroes still need to find a way across the river. The end.

After the weirdness of last episode, this one is a bit more conventional. The impromptu rescue of Alice shows that our heroes are still, well, heroes. They care about other people and want to help where they can. It's handled without a lot of melodrama, just Kohta saying "I'm not going to watch a little girl get eaten" and Takashi agreeing.

There are the usual tonal oddities. Scenes of fairly serious carnage and drama on the streets are juxtaposed with T & A shots. Not that I'm complaining; because, boobs. It is just that at times, I want to see the more serious side of the story. If there is one complaint about the series as a whole it is that it is most effective when it shows the terror in the streets or the interpersonal drama of the protagonists. After a while, the fan service gets in the way of the story.

Here are some boobs to make me feel better about this.

This is how you sell Obamacare.

There we go. Anyway, the rescue that takes up the final third is well animated and directed. We also learn that Saeko has some interesting gender role ideas. Although she is a kick ass chick (and, apparently, a great cook) she does defer to males when they are decisive. I think that's why, although she is an interesting character, Saya is the one I like the most. She can be a bit of a ball-buster; but, for the most part, she is just very independent and has a "take-charge" personality. Which is what I look for in cartoon characters.

Best Line: Rei looking all hopeful and misty eyed as Takashi heads out to rescue Alice. "I realized that we're still human beings after all."

Best kill: So many in this episode, but I'm going with Kohta sniping a zombie chick which results in a panty shot (see image at right). Hey, that's what I call fan service.

Do spines work this way?

Fan Service: Speaking of fan service, there is a lot of it in this ep. However, I'm going to go with Saeko's sexy apron poses. Something about a girl in an apron and little else that does it for me. And makes me want to have a sandwich. So, until next time, head shots only.

Bonus Video: Turn yourself into a zombie Barbie with this tutorial.

31 Days of Halloween - Candy I Hate

Part of Halloween is eating candy. As a kid, there was a definite confection hierarchy. And, at the bottom were - and are - Circus Peanuts. These fuckers...I would curse the houses that handed them out. With the consistency of styrofoam and the flavor of chemical bananas, Circus Peanuts weren't even "emergency candy." You know, the stuff you normally wouldn't eat, but if you got it for free, you'd use it when you needed a sugar fix.

Just look at them:

Like a pile of stale maggots. They offend me - and you - with their very existence. If there is an existential threat to America, it's not radical Islam, an expanding China or a resurgent Russia. It's these things. In a perfect world, every Circus Peanut would burn in Hell.

In closing:

31 Days of Halloween - It Conquered The World (1956) - With Venus Vegetable Spoilers

American International Pictures put out some great movies, like Masque of the Red Death. They also put out films that were complete dreck. And then, there are films like It Conquered the World. It's not very good, but it is entertaining. And some times, that's all you need, right?

Synopsis

Paul (Peter Graves) is the director of a US satellite program. Tom (Lee Van Cleef) is a fringe scientist who has been trying to get the US to shut down its space program. The two men are friends, although there relationship is a bit strained due to Tom's cold and aloof personality. It turns out that Tom, a genius who has grown disillusioned with the violent nature of humanity, has made contact with a group of super-intelligent beings on Venus. Using a radio set in his living room, he offers to facilitate their conquest of the Earth. In exchange, they will usher in an era of peace and emotion-free logic.

Beverly Garland and Lee Van Cleef share one of many tense moments.

One of the aliens hitches a ride on one of Paul's satellites. Once on Earth, the alien is able to shut down all power and communications. It then uses mind-control devices delivered by bat-like creatures to take control of key figures in the area of the space center. This includes Paul's wife Joan (Sally Fraser); when she tries to convert Paul, he kills her. Tom's wife Claire (Beverly Garland) takes matters into her own hands and sets out to kill the alien in a the remote cave he is hiding in.

She is killed by the creature, but Tom (who hears her death screams over the radio), Paul and a group of soldiers in the nearby woods, converge on the cave. The creature emerges. Tom kills it with a blow torch, although he is mortally wounded in the process. Paul gives a speech about how men have to find salvation within themselves. The end.

Analysis

Although the movie is obviously low-budget, it is not without its charms. Director Roger Corman keeps things moving briskly. Although there is a lot of dialogue, it never drags down the movie's pace. The cinematography by Fred West is workmanlike; nothing spectacular, but all the action is clear and there aren't any significant visual problems. The acting is actually pretty good. Peter Graves and Beverly Garland are the highlights; both are invested enough in their characters that they take the sometimes clunky dialogue and make it believable. Sally Fraser is also spunky enough, although she doesn't have a lot of screen time. I found Lee Van Cleef's performance to be a bit stiff. While he is supposed to be portraying someone who is basically a misanthrope who is also a borderline sociopath, some of his lines needed a more emotional delivery. This hurts the finale, because his last minute conversion to hero makes little sense.

It would be easy to attack the special effect, but effects technician Paul Blaisdell had to work with limited time, money and material. The bat-creatures that the alien invader uses actually look pretty menacing. Of course, as can be seen from the image to the right, the alien itself looks pretty silly. Blaisdell had an actual reason for the design - based on what was believed about Venus at the time, he assumed the creature was an intelligent fungus that grew in a hot, dark environment and was almost immobile. The problems with the design, however, are two-fold. First, the face looks goofy and not just to a modern viewer. Apparently, even the actors had a hard time keeping a straight face around it. The other problem was that Blaisdell assumed the creature would be mostly keep in the shadows and would be stationary. So, he designed it with these considerations in mind. For the finale, Corman insisted on an exterior scene in broad daylight. There are different explanations given for this, but they boil down to either a) showmanship or b) technical. The former explanation is that Corman thought the audience would want to see the alien and have it fight people at the end. The latter explanation is that the equipment needed to properly light the cave was inadvertently left in the studio on the day of the shoot and Corman had no time to reschedule. Either way, the final scenes are ludicrous.

Notes

Best Line: Peter Graves to Lee Van Cleef. "Your hands are human, but your mind is enemy." Uh, what?

Anyone interested in the story of Paul Blaisdell should check out Paul Blaisdell, Monster Maker: A Biography of the B Movie Makeup and Special Effects Artist by Randy Palmer. The book is well written and Blaisdell's story is fascinating.

Verdict

For what it is - a low-buget, quickly made movie - It Conquered the World is pretty entertaining. Yes, some of the effects are laughable, there are obvious continuity errors and some of the dialogue is poorly written. But the leads are all at least watchable and the film is fun in a "Late Show B-Movie" way. Check it out.

In fact, you can watch the full movie right here. Enjoy.

Cool Fan Film - The Empire Strikes Back Uncut

So, what do you get when you compile the work of 480 filmmakers into one enormous Star Wars-loving geek-gasm? You get The Empire Strikes Back Uncut. This pretty awesome. It's what you expect if you had lots of people creating their own vision of segments of a movie they love with no budget. Some parts work, some don't but you have to admire the passion and creativity involved. We have animation, backyard theatrics, paper-mache special effects, sock puppets, dub-step light saber duels, an elderly Asian woman as Yoda, cross-dressing, Star Wars action figures, balloon AT-ATs...in other words, two hour and eight minutes of concentrated coolness. Check it out.

Video Oddities - Case Study LSD

I'm starting up something new for this site. I do a lot of wandering in the hinterlands of the Internet and find some weird and wonderful stuff. It often doesn't fit into a neat category. So, I'll just make one up. Because "I am god here!" Thanks, Lawnmower Man, I'll never forget you.

Anyway, first up is this pretty whacked-out, anti-LSD propaganda film. Not that I'm pro-LSD, any members of law enforcement who may be reading this. I see singing fish melting out of the sky because I'm delusional, not on drugs.

And so, enough of all that. First, check out the video, then read on.

Well, if LSD is going to make my food talk to me then fuck it. Last thing I need is to carry on a conversation with my steak. I mean, more than, "I love you because you are so tasty....nom nom nom."

Did you notice this was made by Lockheed? I do support the non-use of hallucinogenics by aircraft pilots, mechanics, flight attendants...basically, if you are around an airplane, you should not be tripping balls.

Okay, so first off, the chick looks like she been huffing paint even before she showed up to the party. This is not the face of a sane and sober person:

Second, LSD causes you to make poor fashion choices. Pink capris with a green and black blouse? That is not dressing for success, young lady. And then, there's this guy:

Would you order food from this man? He looks like Andy Kaufman's creepy brother. And Andy Kaufman was creepy to start with. Yeah, I said it, Andy Kaufman was a creepy looking motherfu...I have Andy Kaufman issues.

Anyway, our heroine goes to get some food and has this happen to her hotdog:

Which leads to this reaction;

This is understandable. If my hotdog turned into a Troll Doll - or, possibly, the avatar of Kim Jong Il (see below), I would freak out as well.

"I was jumping on this hotdog in the middle of Market Street." Do you get the feeling this was a common occurrence in the Sixties? Granted, my understanding of the Sixties is limited to watching Woodstock, The Trip, Wild Angels and every episode of The Monkees about a hundred times. So, my image of that distant era may be a little skewed. But who's isn't? I mean, this chick is talking to her hotdog. Are you going to believe her or me?

What did I learn? Don't do drugs and eat fast food at the same time. Hotdogs have rich family lives. The Lockheed Aircraft Corporation cares about my mental health; or, at least they did in the Sixties. Now that they are Lockheed-Martin-Raytheon-McDonalds ConGlomCo they are probably putting LSD in my breakfast burritos.