Happy Trailers - Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

I tried to read Fifty Shades of Grey (back off, it was research for a novel) and just couldn't get through it. I've written...um...read...um...heard of...better random Interwebs porn. But, since the book sold fifty zillion copies to masturbating mommies, it is being turned into a big, terrible movie.

At least, if the trailer is any indication.

I guess the leads (Dakota Johnson (bonus: she already has a good pornstar name), Jamie Dornan) are attractive enough, although, we get to see Dornan without a shirt on, but we do not see Dakota's boobs. i call blatant sexism. Come on Hollywood, one standard for all.

Anyway, we get some dialogue delivered in breathless style, like everyone is taking the stairs. Sexy or asthmatic, your call. You do get the gist of what the movie is about. Young girl, slightly older rich guy, glider rides (what, no ponies?) secret sex dungeon, tied up Dakota faking an orgasm. The end. What it looks like - with the long glances and tight close-ups on blandly pretty people - is a Twilight movie only without vampires. Yes, I know the source book started out as Twilight fanfic. The movie, however, did not have to follow that same visual style as those dreadful movies. But, since this film is meant solely to drain money from your wallets, it makes sense it would be as commercial as possible in all ways.

The Fifty Shades trailer is great for one reason; it does tell you everything you want to know about the film. If this blahness is your thing, then you should enjoy the film. Otherwise, the trailer screams - sorry, tells you breathlessly- to "steer clear." Is it too much to ask to have a sex film (which is what this is) that actually seems...well...sexy? Hot? Not liable to put me to sleep?

Well, If you want to see a great dom-sub movie, check out Secretary.

Hey, we are informed by the trailer Beyonce has made an "exclusive version of 'Crazy in Love'" for the movie. You get to hear part of it during the trailer. And, it is as pop-generic as you'd expect. So, if you like that kind of thing I guess this is a bonus. For me, it reinforces just how much this film is firmly aimed at being profitable and forgettable "product."